A person ready to jump off the hill was restrained and asked, ‘What’s the problem?’ He said he was depressed because he was not earning enough to fulfill his family’s needs, and he felt like a failure.
When his wife, kids, and parents reached the spot, they told him, ‘We know you are doing all you can, and we are proud of you for single-handedly taking care of all of us.’ They all hugged him, and his tears of distress transformed into tears of joy. He smiled with gratitude. He happily went home with his family.
In a wrestling match, the coach’s validation becomes a crucial source of motivation, instilling confidence in the wrestler. Knowing that the coach believes in him empowers him to perform his best.
When uncertainty strikes, we often seek validation from ourselves and others.
Depression: A Word Away From Expression
Picture yourself driving with family, feeling uncertain about whether you are on the correct road or not. Anxiety seeps in, and even the once-enjoyable radio becomes an irritant. You scream at everyone to be silent.
Just then, a passerby confirms that you are on the right path. Instantly, the scene changes, and so does your confidence. As you realize that you are right, the journey becomes a joyful ride once again.
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Validation and assurance have a crucial impact on our well-being, particularly when it comes to dealing with depression. It is as if, by receiving validation, it gets confirmed that ALL IS WELL in life. It is evident in the happiness of a child who thrives when regularly validated and reassured with unconditional love (cuddles, hugs, kisses). As humans, we seek validation on multiple fronts. We desire to be regarded as a good spouse, a caring parent, a dedicated employee, a loyal friend, and much more.
When children and spouses seek validation from strangers because they lack it at home, it can be dangerous. As individuals, we often strive to give our best, as per our capabilities.
However, we ALWAYS feel that the other person could contribute more, and this expectation overshadows their efforts. Rather than empowering them to do better, we unintentionally hurt their self-esteem, which causes them to do worse.
They were already lacking validation, and now they face further criticism. As a result, they develop a defensive shield, a thick skin to protect their mental space.
We perceive them as insensitive or indifferent when, in reality, it is their coping mechanism to protect their feelings. It is when this shield shatters, THAT person becomes vulnerable to mental health issues.
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The Midnight Sun
“Midnight Sun” refers to a natural phenomenon occurring in the Polar Region during the summer months, when the sun remains visible above the horizon for 24 hours or an extended period, creating a continuous daylight experience even at night.
Self-validation, like the midnight sun, is fuelled by inner confidence and self-belief, providing a continuous source of empowerment. Self-validation refers to the act of recognizing and affirming one’s worth without seeking external validation or approval from others. It teaches individuals to trust their judgment, regardless of external criticism.
External validation can be meaningful, but it should not overshadow the importance of self-validation. By combining both, you create a harmonious balance in life.
Grow Thy Flower
Self-validation is that beautiful flower that you need to learn to grow within you. Its petals are made of self-awareness, self-esteem, and self-acceptance.
It should be watered daily with UNDERSTANDING (your emotions, strengths, and weaknesses), bathing it in the warm sunlight ( of being resilient, independent yet soft ), and providing it with rich nutrients (of self-compassion).
Ripple Effect Of Validating Others
To show someone a beautiful shining white wall with a tiny black spot and ask them what they see. Rather than acknowledging the overall beauty of the shining white wall, most individuals will focus solely on that small black spot.
As humans, we tend to fixate on the negatives and overlook the positives. In doing so, we inadvertently nag and criticize others. Our inability to validate and appreciate others stems from our fixation on the black dot.
By recognizing the positives, we motivate people to work on their shortcomings. This cycle of validation, appreciation, and motivation helps us to overcome challenges, giving us the strength to persist and thrive in our mundane lives.
Openly and genuinely validate the people around you, for they may be on their last straw, and your validation could save them. Take the time to validate your parents, who have been the safety net of your life, your spouse, who has been the rock of your life, your children, who give meaning to your life, your co-workers who walk alongside you in life, and your friends, who add sparkle to your life. By validating others, we become their midnight sun, illuminating their long polar nights.
Showing gratitude, offering genuine compliments, celebrating other’s achievements and being kind and empowering others creates stronger connections.
Seeing Death As Validation
The absence of validation can be so profound that individuals may contemplate that only after they are gone will others truly recognize their value. This is a tragic narrative in which the act of dying becomes a way to attain the validation, worthiness, and praise they believe they deserve.
This unveils the deep hurt carried within, the immense lack of appreciation, and unacknowledged contributions, leading to profound depression. While self-validation is crucial, we also need validation from others. We can love ourselves, but the love and appreciation from others are somehow important to us.
Taking someone for granted should never happen, as it undermines their value and worth. When we fail to validate someone, we unintentionally hurt them, which leads to a sense of despair. Not everyone is mature enough to handle this feeling, as humans naturally crave and thrive on appreciation.
Keep Oscillating
Ultimately, our life journey is like a pendulum that oscillates between self-validation and external validation, light and dark, happy and sad, life and death. It is through these contrasting experiences and oscillations that we live our life.
Keep oscillating, and do not get stuck in between the motions, as it could lead to anxiety, frustration, or stagnation. And when you need help and support, do not shy to ask for that push that will help you start oscillating again, if you cannot find the strength inside you.
Have Your Cake & Eat It Too
Self-validation is like that cake you bake for yourself. The cherries and toppings come when the world validates you, adding an extra touch of beauty and flavor.
However, even if external validation is lacking, your self-baked cake is enough to bring you enjoyment and fulfillment. Embrace self-validation, appreciate your uniqueness, and find happiness from within.
Happy oscillations
- Sunila Wali is a counseling psychologist with a passion for promoting mental health. She holds a Master’s degree from Johns Hopkins University and is currently based in Mumbai, India.
- Mail the author at sticku (at) jhu.edu
- Follow EurAsian Times on Google News
